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OBSTRUCTED VIEW

RED SOX FEVER: CATCH IT!

By John Terra April 26, 2008

Hey, Red Sox fans and Fenway Faithful! It’s safe to say that by the looks of things so far, the 2008 season is going to be an unforgettable one for Boston. The defending 2008 World Champs have had their hands full with an eventful April, starting off with a truncated Spring Training, playing exhibition games in Japan and California, playing the season opener in Japan, flying to Toronto for a series, and then finally returning to Boston, where much of the team has suffered sprains, bumps, twists, sprains, and a nasty case of flu.

Although the legal department has vetoed the idea of giving the fans physical injuries, MLB is pleased to offer all tried and true Red Sox fans a unique opportunity to commemorate the grit of your favorite ballplayers, while feeling like you’re suffering right alongside them.

For a limited time only, lucky Red Sox fans will have the opportunity to be infected with the VERY SAME FLU STRAIN that’s currently putting a strain on the Red Sox starting lineup. Fans can choose from five different Infection Packages, created with every budget and income level in mind.

The “Hanky-Panky” Package: For only $19.95, the lucky fan will receive a used Kleenex from an actual Red Sox player who currently has the flu. The Kleenex comes with a special presentation piece of cardboard that has the player’s name written in actual red crayon.

The “What A Sucker” Package: For $99.95, eager Sox fans will receive an actual used drinking straw from an infected Red Sox player. If handling a used Kleenex is a guarantee of infection, drinking from a straw used by a sick Red Sox player is even MORE of a guarantee! You’ll be hacking up a lung, spewing snot, and moaning with muscle pains, just like your favorite Red Sox!

The “Motion Sickness” Package: For $199.99, MLB will drive a sick Red Sox player right to the curb of your residence. The player will lean out the window and take a drink from a glass of your choice, then leave. Within a few days, fever and chills will ravage your body as you cheer on your favorite player! You’re not a true Red Sox fan until you’ve been treated to the sight of a sick athlete infecting your beverage container! CONDITIONS: Car will slow down only long enough to conduct transaction; no autographs; beverage must come from list of MLB approved sponsor list.

The “Hats Off” Package: For $499.99, a Red Sox fan who owns a pink Sox hat can have it shipped to an infected player, who will proceed to blow his nose on said hat, autograph it, and have it sent back by Priority Mail. Allow a week for total turnaround.

The “In Your Face” Package: For $1,999.99, the MLB will dispatch a sick Red Sox player to your home for the purposes of coughing in your face! Truly the ultimate expression in fan loyalty, you’ll be the envy of all your friends when you tell them that Josh Beckett or Daisuke Matsuzaka practically barfed up a lung in your face! And as a special Early Bird incentive, the first 100 orders will also get a free photograph, commemorating the special moment of infection! CONDITIONS: Player will remain in fan’s residence for no more than 47 seconds. No autographs. No kidnapping of player.

All items come with a 100% written guarantee of infection, a note from the team physician verifying the illness, and of course a certificate of authenticity from MLB’s Bio-Waste Department.

What better way for a loyal Red Sox fan to show solidarity with the World Champs than by sharing in their illnesses? And just imagine how people around you will admire you!

CUT TO A BOARD-ROOM SCENE, WHERE TEN EXECUTIVES ARE WATCHING A POWER-POINT PRESENTATION.

BIG BOSS: …and as you can see by this chart, we’re justified in raising gas prices…
SOX FAN: Cough! Cough!
BIG BOSS: (slightly distracted) …raising gas prices by another 75 cents over the next two weeks….
SOX FAN: Hack! Cough! Blorf!
BIG BOSS: (getting irritated) ….and then raise them yet again over the summer due to more driving, then raise them again in the winter due to heating oil issues…and raise them in the fall because of Halloween driving…and raise them at Christmas time for shopping season….then of course, there’s New Year’s….
SOX FAN: Gag! Ack! Barf!
BIG BOSS: (clearly annoyed) Are you okay, Ferguson?
SOX FAN: Yes sir. Sorry Mister Jenkins. It’s just that I paid the MLB to have Jason Varitek cough in my face over the weekend. I think I have a highly infectious strain of flu.
BIG BOSS: (Impressed) Say! That’s what I call loyalty! If that’s any indication of how dedicated a person you are, then we certainly need to make sure you stay in this company. You just got a promotion! And a big fat raise!
ENTIRE BOARD-ROOM: (erupts into applause) Hurrah!!!
SEXY FEMALE EXECUTIVE: (in a breathless voice as she undoes the top button of her blouse) Varitek’s germs, you say? How’s about we talk later about sharing those germs in a more intimate setting, Ferguson?
SOX FAN: (Smiles at the camera and gives a ‘thumbs up’) Thanks, MLB!!!!

And let’s not forget the enormous potential for humor when you, a diseased fan, gets up into the face of a gang of surly drunken Yankees fans. So, act now! Flu’s don’t last forever, and before you know it, the Red Sox will be healthy and once again easily kicking other team’s butts! Show your solidarity and loyalty to the Sox by sharing in their disease now, and be part of the magical 2008 season!

DISCLAIMER: The MLB is not responsible for customers contracting other player ailments including but not limited to, athlete’s foot, heat rash, jet lag, dysentery, chewing tobacco addiction, or inability to locate the strike zone. Offer limited to verifiably sick Red Sox players with the flu only; standard colds, fever, allergies, or other respiratory ailments not eligible. MLB reserves the right to use infection footage for marketing and promotional purposes, especially in the form of annoying commercials to be run exclusively on Fox. MLB is not responsible for complications arising from flu infection. If symptoms persist for more than 8 days, consult physician. May cause abdominal cramps, irritability, gas, double vision, achey joints, and sexual side effects. Not recommended for pregnant women, the elderly, elderly pregnant women, or people with a heart condition.

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THE LOST STEINBRENNER INTERVIEW EXCERPTS

By John Terra March 1, 2008

Recently, new Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner gave some choice quotes for a New York Times piece in which he waxed poetic about the Red Sox. With all the class, grace, and tact that befalls the name “Steinbrenner”, Hank made some comments which certain elements of Red Sox Nation have, to say the least, taken some exception to.

We here at Obstructed View have discovered, however, that the actual unedited interview was far worse, with huge amounts of text deleted for the sake of some shred of propriety. Now, for the first and hopefully only time, here is the full text of the Steinbrenner interview, including the original quote, located in its proper place in the rant.

“The Red Sox are champions? Don’t make me laugh. No baseball team can call itself a champion unless it goes through the Yankees. The Yankees are champions. The Yankees define the word champions. If a team can beat the Yankees fair and square, not resorting to unleashing bugs on us, or signing high-priced all-star pitchers, and not using unusually talented rookies, and not having David Ortiz in their line up, then I’m a big enough man to step up and admit that we were beaten fairly.

“Look at the owners of the Red Sox. They’re pathetic. Who do you have? What, some guy named John Henry? The only John Henry I know about is that legendary guy who drove railroad spikes into the ground. We could use someone like that in our lineup, swinging sledgehammers. Who else they got? Lucky Luciano? Isn’t that some gangster? And they have, what’s his name? Werner? Dean Wormer? So, you got a gangster, some guy from “Animal House”, and some railroad worker, running your team of so-called winners. Yeah, that’s a classy ownership for you.

“Look what they have for a GM. Juan Epstein. Hey, Mister Kot-Tear!!! Juan Epstein! The guy looks like he should be some girl’s prom date or something. Does he even shave yet? That’s no General Manager. He’s no Brian Cashman. Speaking of which, Cashman’s on the bubble. Yeah, that’s my dad’s phrase, but I like it, and I’m the daddy now so I can use it. Cashman’s job’s on the line here. We’re patient, but we want results. We’re willing to wait and bide our time, but dammit we better win the Series in 08 or heads will roll.

“And don’t get me started on the Red Sox manager, Terry Francona. What’s his nickname? Tito? What kind of a nickname is Tito? Hey, we have Tito, where’s Randy, Jermaine, Michael, Janet, and Peter? Tito. Give me a break. Tito FrankCombover. What, he doesn’t have a combover? Who cares? This is comedy gold!

“Besides, managers are vastly overrated. That’s why I had no problem ditching old sourpuss Torre. Any moron can manage a team. Hell, you could put a chimpanzee out there, and still have a winning team. We almost did that, you know. Put a chimpanzee in pinstripes, play ball! The only reason we didn’t was that we didn’t want people to confuse it for Johnny Damon.

“Speaking of Torre, good riddance. Who needs him? What did he ever do for us? My father made him famous, made him what he is today. Before my father hired him, he was a male cheerleader for the Toledo Mudhens. That Corporal Klinger, he cracks me up every time…wearing that dress. He’ll never get that Section 8 discharge. Let the Left Coast have Torre. Hey Joe, enjoy your granola and your tanning beds and your silicone boob job! New York doesn’t need you!

“I’m not worried about this steroid stuff, so don’t ask me about it. The Yankees are champions, and we didn’t use steroids to win. No sir, we won the good old fashioned Yankee way: by throwing craploads of money around and screaming a lot.

“And have you seen the kind of fans the Red Sox have? What a pack of chumps! Red Sox Nation? What a bunch of [expletive] that is. That was a creation of the Red Sox and ESPN, which is filled with Red Sox fans. Go anywhere in America and you won’t see Red Sox hats and jackets, you’ll see Yankee hats and jackets. This is a Yankee country. We’re going to put the Yankees back on top and restore the universe to order.

“No one outside of New England follows the Red Sox, and there’s plenty of people in New England who actually follow the Yankees. That’s because the Yankees are America’s team. Everywhere you go, you see the Yankee logo. Do you know what the number one selling monogrammed toilet paper is? That’s right, the one with the NY logo. More people in America would rather smear their digestive waste on the NY symbol than on any other symbol in America. That should tell you something!

“Red Sox fans can’t hold a candle to Yankee fans. Just yesterday, a pack of angry and distraught Yankees fans broke into the stadium and showed their displeasure over the team’s 2007 performance by relieving themselves all over the bases. I say, good for them! They’re passionate. They care. Do you think you’d ever find a Red Sox fan who’d be willing to take a dump on home plate in Yankee Stadium if given the chance? I think not. Yankee fans want results. They expect winners, and well they should. And they have no qualms about expressing their displeasure when things go wrong. They follow winners, and they want winners to win.

“So you say the Red Sox won two World Series this century? So what? That’s the past. Who cares about the past? I know I don’t. No one pays attention to the past. What matters is now. What are you doing NOW? What have you done for me lately? And that’s the whole Torre thing again. What has he done for us lately? Jack and squat, that’s what. Yesterday is yesterday, today is today, tomorrow is tomorrow. I don’t think I need to make that any clearer.

“The Yankees are the greatest, most popular, most lucrative franchise in all of professional sports. That’s because of our winning heritage, our history of past World Series wins. Who else has 26 wins? Not Boston, that’s for sure. Walk through Yankee Stadium some time….look around…it’s all history. When you take a seat, you’re sitting in history. When you spit on the floor, you’re spitting on history. It’s everywhere, you can’t avoid it. If Cashman doesn’t come through for us by securing the talent we need to win, then HE’S history!

“Everyone wants to come to play for the Yankees. Look at A-Rod. He came crawling back. He knew, oh he knew. He knew that this is the only team worth playing for. Santana? Clearly the man’s insane. Nuts. Has to be. He’s on the Mets. Nuff said. Smith is no GM. What a rube. Smith’s no Cashman. Cashman better be Cashman, or he’ll be TossedOutOnHisAssman. That sounds harsh? Too bad. That’s the Yankee way. We want results, or you’re out of here. We’ll be patient with you, sure, but you better produce quick.

“Anybody who thinks the Red Sox are the team to beat this year is insane, drunk, or stupid. Look at their roster. They’re stuffed with aging ballplayers and inexperienced rookies. Not like the Yankees, whose ranks are filled with experienced veterans and energetic new prospects!

“Look at our lineup. It’s filled with superstars. Look at our young pitchers. They are the future. What do the Sox have by comparison? Fat bloated Schilling? He’s on his way out, with his macaroni tendons or whatever they’re called. Everyone knows that. Wakefield? We own him. Mitsubishi? The Sox dropped all that money on him and he’s barely competent. Him and that other guy, Okinawa? Wasted money. Beckett? You can’t fool me. Beckett pitches for the Marlins. He wouldn’t be caught dead in a Red Sox uniform.

“We have Mariano Rivera as our closer. Who do the Red Sox have? Papelbon? Tell me, what’s a papelbon? Sounds like some kind of fancy mustard. Excuse me, do you have any Gray Papelbon? Isn’t he like some kind of male stripper, dancing around in his underwear? Yeah, that’s dignified. You’d never catch a Yankee embarrassing himself by acting or talking foolishly. The Yankees are the epitome of class.

“Turn the conversation away from pitching, and again, the Yankees have it all over the Sox. Jason Varitek? Old guy! Hey Captain, you better watch out! A-Rod hasn’t forgotten your sucker punch from 04, and he’ll give you payback once he’s finished gathering up his nerve! Kevin Youkilis? Overrated. Dustin Pedroia? That mouthy little dweeb? He clearly doesn’t know his place, considering how he’s been unwilling to be deferential to the Yankees when they play them. Julio Lugo? Did this guy step out of an ad for Save the Children? Someone get that man a cheeseburger! Mike Lowell? Old guy that Florida dumped. World Series MVP, my butt. That’s no accomplishment.

“Don’t talk to me about their new guys! Jacoby Ellsbury? What, the taco guy??? What a joke. Clay Bucholz no-hitting the Orioles? Hello, people…it’s the Orioles! That’s hardly what I’d call an accomplishment! What did the Orioles ever do? And the Lester kid…ok, granted he was sick and then he made a comeback. That’s all well and good, but if it were a Yankee, the player would’ve come back from a quadruple amputation and triple bypass surgery, and single-handedly won the game!

“Now, let’s turn to the outfield, and it doesn’t look any better for the Sox. Coco Crisp? That’s a cereal, not a centerfielder! Manny Ramirez is so unfocused that any day he puts his pants on correctly is a good day. And if J.D. Drew stood in Central Park, he’d inevitably attract a flock of pigeons. I’ve seen more passion and energy from a beer burp. He got a Grand Slam against the Indians in the ALCS? Who hasn’t? The Indians are vastly overrated. What have they done lately?

“In fact, all of baseball pretty much stinks once you remove the Yankees from the equation. Every team, every ballpark, every manager, every owner, all of them, are nothing compared to what we have here in the Bronx. And speaking of ballparks, if I were a Red Sox fan, I’d be ashamed to call that mouldering heap of green wood and bricks my home ballpark. Yeah, laugh and call Yankee Stadium “The Toilet”. You guys have “The Cesspool”.

“The New Yankee Stadium is a palace, a monument to pinstripes, power, and prestige! We’ve outgrown the old stadium, it’s time to expand. Of course, there will be less regular sitting and more six-figure suites, but the average Joe Yankee fan wouldn’t have it any other way! Nothing’s too good for the Greatest Team in Baseball….no, I’m not talking about the Red Sox….that does it, this interview is over….you’ll never work in this town again…you’re on the bubble..you’re (unintelligible)….(expletive deleted)….(removed for security purposes)…………”

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OBSTRUCTED (RE)VIEW 2007

By John Terra January 2, 2008

And so the year winds down at last. As the seemingly unending snow piles up and at least two other Boston sports teams remind us that the Red Sox aren’t the area’s only success story, we nevertheless resolutely turn our faces backward (painful, if not done properly) to the year that was, and how things fell into place for the Boston Red Sox.

Yes, the ultimate end-of-the-year cliché is here: the year in review. So sit back, pop a champagne cork, wave a Red Sox 2007 World Series Champions banner, make an obscene gesture at the weather, and read on. Bask in the wonderful memories of our team, and please forgive a few personal observations and anecdotes along the way. Oh, and marvel at how “not for another 86 years” somehow only took three years.

1. We Get Dice-K. All the talk about the Patriots missing the Super Bowl by one touchdown were lost by something far, far more important to the Fenway Faithful: the signing of Japanese superstar pitcher Daisuke Matsuzaka. In what now can be called The Year Scott Boras Didn’t Always Win, the Red Sox management manage to get a deal hammered out that brought Japan’s baseball hero to Fenway, out-negotiating Boras. And the fans began salivating in anticipation of the new season. Well, more than they do normally, anyway…
2. The Hero In The Shadows! Even after the end of the season, some journalists STILL continued saying that Okajima was signed in order to be Dice-K’s buddy. Nothing could be farther from the truth. But signing motives aside, Oki won the hearts of Red Sox Nation with his amazing relief work, including an impressive shutting down of the New York Yankees, which rated him a bow from Big Papi.
3. BackToBackToBackToBack. What’s better than beating the Yankees? How’s about four home runs in a row? Manny, Drew, Lowell, Varitek….And during the last game of a three-game sweep of the Yankees, no less!
4. Happy Mother’s Day (or, Thanks, Baltimore Part 1). It was May 13th, Mothers Day. Yeah, the Sox were done. Over. Finished. O’s pitcher Jeremy Guthrie had schooled the Sox, dominating them into a 5-0 submission. Then, O’s manager Sam Perlozzo pulled the pitcher, and everything changed. Talk about last-inning heroics! Final score: Boston 6, Baltimore 5.
5. Rawjah is baaaaaaack! Ohhh gaaaawd, he’s baaaaaack! Roger Clemens makes his announcement at Yankee Stadium that he’s coming back to the Yankees, thereby creating the most embarrassing instance of a sportscaster climaxing on the air, AND officially sealing his reputation in Boston’s eyes as a complete mercenary tool. Naturally, this signing proved to be a real winner for the Yankees.
6. It’s Not A Blister! It’s an “avulsion”, and don’t you forget it!
7. No NoNo. Curt Schilling almost gets a no-no in his outing against the A’s on June 7th. The excellence was broken in the ninth, with two outs. So close, and yet so far. Later on, it’s revealed that the Yankees were cheering when he missed it, which only goes to show what great sports they are.
8. Is This June or January? My son StartedJr and I take in the Red Sox/Colorado interleague game at Fenway on June 13th, where the temperature outside was unseasonably freezing. Also inexplicably, the Rockies smack Beckett around. This is not forgotten when the Sox meet the Rockies in the World Series.
9. Oh Johnny, Did YOU Back The Wrong Horse. The lovely MrsStarted and I attend a Sox/Orioles game on August 2nd, where Tim Wakefield puts on an amazing performance. New acquisition Eric Gagne has an unremarkable yet scoreless inning of relief, causing me to turn to my wife and say “You know, I really think this guy’s gonna work out for us!”
10. NoNo At Last (or Thanks, Baltimore Part 2). The scene: Anniston, Alabama. The event: Family reunion on Mrs Started’s side of the family. Dinner talk is dominated by the subject of the Crimson Tide vs Auburn. Our daughter, tired, needed to be brought up to our room, so I escorted her there, and noticed my cel phone, charging on the nightstand, with a Voice Mail Message outstanding. Accessing it treated me to a hysterical, screaming StartedJr. What was going on? Was the house on fire? Or perhaps attacked by home invaders? A text message followed, saying “Ignore call, everything’s ok”. Unable to contain my curiosity, I dialed home, and was informed, in tones mimicking those from the Voice Mail message, that Clay Bucholz had pitched a no-hitter against the Birds.
11. “It’s Not 1978, Dammit!” Panic talk sweeps through Red Sox Nation as some fans labor under the misapprehension that this is 1978. The Red Sox 14 ½ lead was whittled down as the “resurgent” Yankees, well, resurged. Suddenly, from all corners, an army of Paul Reveres wearing Red Sox Red were galloping through the night, shouting “The Yankees are coming! The Yankees are coming!” Even though the Yanks would get a fingernail-chomping 1 ½ games behind the Sox, our boys in Red prevailed.
12. “HAH!” Honestly, A-Rod…were you born a jerk or did you have to work at it?
13. Clinching AL East (or Thanks, Baltimore Part 3). For the first time in TWELVE years, the Red Sox win the AL East, thanks to the one-two punch of a Sox win over the Twins, and a very VERY late night come from behind win for the Baltimore Orioles over the Yankees. Never have so many Red Sox fans loved the Orioles so much than at that moment.
14. Lord of the Flies. Ok, so it’s not a Red Sox moment. Who cares? Seeing Joba Chamberlain get swarmed with midges (funny, the Tribe’s pitchers never seemed to have this much of a problem with them) looked almost as if the past sins of the Yankees were being paid back by them getting the Biblical plague treatment.
15. Down 3-1? Not a Problem! So it wasn’t the 2004 ALCS, but geez, it sure looked like the Sox number was up this fall when The Tribe went up 3-1. But remember, this is the Red Sox, who, like an army of zombies, don’t fall down easily and in fact will keep coming at you relentlessly. And one of the heroes of that comeback? Well, remember the much-criticized JD Drew?
16. He Hit A WHAT!?!?!?! Expensive right fielder J.D. Drew shows that he may be at last warming up to Red Sox baseball by hitting a Grand Slam against Cleveland in the ALCS Game 6. Rumor has it he also cracked a smile and raised a fist in triumph.
17. Oh, Look! He Can Hit As Well! Dice-K shows in Game 3 of the World Series that not only can he pitch and field, he also can smack the ball. He gets his first hit of his MLB career, it was also the first hit from a Red Sox pitcher in a World Series game since “The Spaceman”, Bill Lee did it in the 1975 Series. As if that wasn’t enough for the record books, the hit was also the first time a Red Sox pitcher had a two-run hit in a World Series game since Babe Ruth's two-run triple in 1918. Oh, and it was also the first time a Japanese pitcher started a World Series game.
18. PapelPickOff. Game 2 of the World Series. Papelbon picks off Matt Holliday. His first pickoff since joining the majors in 2006, it was a big one.
19. Attack of the Rookies. Dice-K, Oki, Bucholz, Pedroia, Lester, and Ellsbury. Nuff said.
20. A Comeback Story Straight Outta Hollywood. In 2006, Jon Lester was diagnosed with cancer, which cut his playing year short. He fought it and won, got himself back into shape, and made his comeback on July 23, a 6-2 win. But the drama gets ramped up in October, when he’s the winning pitcher in the last game of the World Series. Can the story get any more inspirational than that?
21. He Can Dance If He Wants To. Jonathan Papelbon shows that he can do a jig almost as well as he can close a game. Papelbon’s dancing charmed a Nation, and also guaranteed that the Dropkick Murphys will continue to have a career for the foreseeable future.
22. Excuse Me, Can The Games Start Any Later, Please? Red Sox Nation became experts at sleep deprivation, thanks to the late starting times of the World Series games. I think more fans wanted a sweep by the Sox for no other reason than being able to finally get a good night’s sleep, than any other reason.
23. Class Personified. It’s the end of Game 4 of the World Series. Hard to believe, but the Red Sox are champions again, so soon (at least relative to baseball). The team is partying in the clubhouse, and Tim Wakefield, who stepped aside due to being less than 100% physically, is being interviewed. After a few moments, Mike Timlin ambles on-camera, and says that the Sox won this one for Tim, who showed a lot of guts and selflessness by giving up his spot on the rotation. Wake is practically in tears. He wasn’t the only one…
24. Bobby Who? Gee, it must be nice to be rescued from the scrapheap where the A’s tossed you, get picked up by a World Series contender and then….hitting what turns out to be the home run that made all the difference.
25. There’s A Lot to Love About Lowell. He could’ve gotten more money, but he wanted to stay. Mike Lowell re-signs with the Red Sox for less money, thereby demonstrating not by words but with actions, that he loves being a part of Red Sox Nation. The perfect cap to a great season!

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RED SOX REASONS TO BE THANKFUL

By John Terra November 21, 2007

Well, here we are, at the time of year where we demonstrate our thankfulness by loading up on triptophan and pie, and pass out on the couch in front of the television, while the children of relatives you’ve forgotten about run around the house, hunting down the family dog with SuperSoakers.

Here at Obstructed View, there is much for the Fenway Faithful to be thankful for, so let’s just dive right in.

• Another World Series win. Let’s start with the screamingly obvious. A second World Series win in four years? From the Red Sox? Come on now! But yup, they did it, and nary an idiot among them. God bless ‘em, they done it, demonstrating to everyone that the taunt “not for another 86 years” was actually a secret code for “within three years”!
• Mike Lowell. If there was ever a player who’d be considered the Man of the Hour for Red Sox Nation, it’d have to be Mikey. Helping take up the slack in our offense during the regular season, his post-season performance earned him the World Series MVP. Add to this his classy comments about choosing less years (and consequently less money) to come back to the Red Sox, and you have a player who’s on his way to achieving a permanent place in the Fenway Fans’ Adoration Hall of Fame. Not bad for a guy who was thrown in as a condition for us acquiring Beckett.
• Terry Francona. Behold, the man who doesn’t get nearly the amount of credit that he should. Sometimes his decisions didn’t make sense to us, but then again, we didn’t have all of the information he had, which is as it should be. But with Tito, you have arguably the best manager in Red Sox history, especially if you take post-season performances as a major factor. Not obnoxious, loud, or egotistical, he’s a manager who is loyal to his veterans, who believes in his players when others give up, and knows how to handle the big-name players on his team. He’s truly an RSN treasure. Perfect he’s not, but he’s the perfect man to run this team.
• A-Rod Is Back With the Yankees. This is a great source of much gratitude. Had A-Rod signed with the Red Sox, Obstructed View would’ve found itself in a great moral dilemma. Consistently ragging on Red Sox players is a no-no in Obstructed View, and if anyone presents himself as a target-rich environment for satirical sniper fire, it’s A-Rod. His Red Sox uniform would’ve been a bullet-proof vest, so there is much joy here that he’s not one of us.
• Hank Steinbrenner. What’s that? You can’t believe this column would praise an owner of the Yankees and be thankful for him? Au contraire, mon frere, this man is indeed a reason to be thankful. Oh yes indeed. See, it’s kind of difficult to make fun of a man clearly in his decline, losing control of his faculties, losing that fire which, obnoxious and rude as it was, at least set him apart as a personality. With George doddering, what’s left? Making fun of George right now borders on the cruel. How to keep vilifying Yankee ownership? Well, fortunately, like father like son, and Hank has already demonstrated the capacity to be a loud-mouthed jackass. Thank you, Hank…really.
• The Yankees Pretty Much Are The Same Team Again. Thank you, Yankees. Sure, some of the newbies will improve the pitching picture, but overall, it’s the same team. Yeah, Torre’s gone, and Clemens is the old joke whose punchline has finally come. But otherwise, it’s the same old gas. This is a team in decline, clinging desperately to its aging veterans, foolishly thinking that if they keep doing the exact same thing over and over, the outcome will somehow be different. CONFESSION TIME: For a small stretch of time, late in the season, when the Yankees were barreling through all of their opponents, I had this sick foreboding that they were going to pretty much smash their way right to the World Series and utterly decimate their National League opponent. I could picture it all too clearly.
• The Baltimore Orioles. Thanks for your part in the Mothers Day Miracle, for bolstering Clay Bucholz’s confidence with his no-hitter, for helping us clinch the Division by taking down the Yankees, and of course, for lending us Millar to throw out that first pitch. You guys are all right. Crab cakes for everyone!
• RemDawg and Don. Sure, they’re homers and sometimes their banter comes up lame, but they have a level of objectivity that a lot of national sportcasters (especially on a network that rhymes with “crocks”) would do well to emulate.
• The Red Sox ownership. The Yankees have shown us that having the biggest payroll doesn’t guarantee a championship. The Red Sox show that throwing a lot of money around, but doing it wisely, coupled with supplementing from our up and coming rookies, is a formula that’s hard to beat. The ownership has equipped the team for the long haul, ensuring that we’ll stay competitive for years to come. And they did it their way!
• Curt Schilling’s Return. It got to the point where it was maddening to hear the announcers frame all of Schill’s post-season appearances as “the last time he may be pitching in a Red Sox uniform”. Enough already. We got the message. And the message was WRONG! Schill’s back for one more year, and it’s not unreasonable to believe that he’s going to want to go out on a very high note. Way to go, front office, for bringing him back. And thanks, Curt, for all you’ve done, and for that which we’re sure you have yet to do!
• Gagne’s Gone. Au revoir, m’sieu Gagne! It was a great idea, a noble experiment, but it didn’t work. Enjoy your next team, enjoy the World Series ring, and we wish you all the best. Thanks for…er…um…eating up some innings so that Papelbon didn’t get overused?
• Okajima. Nuff said!
• Papelbon’s Dancing. It’s just this sort of zaniness that’s a valuable element in the makeup of the team. In fact, Papelbon can be said to be a good representation of the Red Sox team as a whole: scary contenders with the ability to have fun.
• A World Series Sweep. Yes, yes, it’s an impressive record and all that. But the real excellent thing about the sweep was that we didn’t have to deal with Fox’s psychotic schedule for another night more than we had to.
• Papi and Petey. For playing through the pain.
• Tim Wakefield. He was the most valuable Red Sox player who didn’t play in the World Series. May he play an active role in the next Red Sox World Series appearance.

Well, that’s it for now. There’s a lot that’s been left out, but these things are the ones that show up high on the OV Radar this time around. Now pass the turkey and get the Truck Day Countdown started!

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