Sports OverReaction Desk

UOTM Sports OverReacton Desk

HOTTEST STOVE SORAD

By John Terra December 4, 2007

We see our suit-jacketed sports anchors, Lance Boyle and Buster Gutt, sitting at the Sports OverReaction Desk. Behind them is the usual bank of video screens, showing numerous scenes from baseball. We see A-Rod walking away from the Yankees, Curt Schilling buying a new bathroom scale, Hank Steinbrenner frothing at the mouth, a sea of fans holding up “Sign Mike Lowell!” signs, A-Rod returning to the Yankees, footage of Johan Santana, shots of Timlin and Timmy giving the Sox a thumbs-up, Hank Steinbrenner frothing at the mouth, Roger Clemens cashing a Social Security retirement benefits check.

BUSTER: Good evening, baseball fans! I’m Buster Gutt…
LANCE: And I’m Lance Boyle, and we’re…
BUSTER AND LANCE: Sports OverReaction Desk!
BUSTER: And welcome to the hot, Hot, HOT, scorching HOTTEST Hot Stove in professional baseball.
LANCE: Right you are, Buster! And the biggest news in the baseball world? Santana!
BUSTER (singing): Gimme your heart, make it real, or just forget about it! You got change your evil ways! Oye como va!
LANCE: Buster, what the Hell are you doing?
BUSTER: Singing Santana’s songs! Who’d ever thought that he was a talented pitcher along with being an accomplished musician?
LANCE: I see you got your prescription of Stupid Pills refilled. Anyways! After an uneventful 2007 regular and unremarkable post season, it’s time for baseball to get to the real juicy stuff! Hot Stove Season! That special time when teams wheel and deal their veterans, prospects, and immortal souls, in order to become more competitive in the upcoming season!
BUSTER: Wait, Lance, 2007 wasn’t an uneventful season! The Red Sox won their SECOND World Series in four years! That has to count for something!
LANCE: Like it matters….anyways….Hot Stove Season is upon us, and WOW….the sparks have been flying! A-Rod! Santana! Lowell! Haren! Ellsbury! Where will it all end? How will it all end? WHY will it all end?
BUSTER: And here’s our roving correspondents Amber Ayle and Brandy Alexander to walk us through some of those difficult terms used during Hot Stove Season!
LANCE: And in keeping with the whole “hotter” motif of our Hot Stove Special, they’ll be broadcasting totally nude, on location in a sauna!

We see a roiling mass of white steam clouds. That’s it. No nude sportscasters. Tough noogies. Deal with it. Fortunately, the clouds of steam don’t interfere with audio, so we can still hear the ladies’ voices.
BRANDY: Hi, I’m Brandy Alexander, and with me, somewhere here, I hope, is Amber Ayle, my partner in broadcasting crime.
AMBER: Hello? I need a foghorn! I can’t see anything! Where’s the camera?
BRANDY: OK, so, like, it’s time to cover Hot Stove terms. I’ll say a term, and Amber here will give you, the audience, the definition. Let’s begin with “Free agent”.
AMBER: OK, that’s, like, when a spy for a government gets captured, and they pay a ransom, to get him back. Free agent!
BRANDY: Very good! “Arbitration”.
AMBER: The act of observing Arbor Day.
BRANDY: Wow, you know your baseball, Amber! OK…”No trade clause”
AMBER: That’s easy. It’s a phrase used to describe Santa’s lack of training in a real job, a trade, if you will. He’s “no trade Clause”….that’s why he’s stuck driving the sled. He has no other skills.
BRANDY: That’s very fitting for this time of year! I’m impressed! OK, “tampering”
AMBER: Something every lady has in her purse for those “unexpected times”.
BRANDY: I hear you! Well, if that doesn’t clear up confusion, I don’t know what will.
AMBER: But…doesn’t it seem strange that none of my definitions actually have the slightest thing to do with baseball?
BRANDY: Baseball’s a very mysterious game, Amber. I’m sure on some level, it’s all clear.
AMBER: Yay!
BRANDY: Say, this mist is pretty thick.
AMBER: Yeah, reminds me of that Stevie King movie, “The Mist”….With all those gross and disgusting creatures lurking in the mist.
MALE VOICE: Helll-looo, ladies! Wanna see me do some naked pull-ups?
AMBER & BRANDY: Eeeeek!

We hear the sounds of two fists impacting a baseball player’s jaw, and a stunned Johnny Damon comes stumbling headlong out of the mist, smacking the camera lens face-first, and sliding down with a pathetic squeegee-like sound.

AMBER & BRANDY: Back to you guys, at SORAD headquarters.

The scene switches back to SORAD headquarters, with a clearly agitated Buster and Lance.
BUSTER: And now, a special treat! Our roving correspondent, Cosgrove the Bloody Red Sock Puppet, on loan from the Lets Get Started sports show, is live at a press conference with none other than Hank Steinbrenner!
LANCE: He’s a chip off the old block, that Hank is! Take it away, Cosgrove!

We see Cosgrove the Bloody Red Sock Puppet with a tiny clip-on microphone. There’s confusion in the background, with security guards, paramedics, the works, all lit up by the strobe-like effect of dozens of flashbulbs.
COSGROVE: Well, this was supposed to be a one hour press conference featuring Yankees owner Hank Steinbrenner, but due to unforeseen circumstances, it had to be cut short. The initial question to Hank had to do with the Twins and Santana, which in retrospect, while a logical question, was perhaps not the wisest course of action. The volatile Steinbrenner’s reply was an incoherent ramble, with the words “Minnesota” “general manager” and “sucks” coming out somewhat clear at various points in the diatribe. After five minutes of this gibberish, Hank placed a bucket on his head, ran around in circles, and incessantly yapped like a Chihuahua, ending only when he ran into a wall, knocking himself out cold. Back to you, Buster and Lance!

The scene switches back to SORAD headquarters, with a smiling Buster and Lance shaking their heads in admiration.
BUSTER: What a guy that Hank is! A class act, just like his dad.
LANCE: And now, we take you live to the GM Winter Meeting, already in progress, and our on-site correspondent, Steve the Objective Sports Media Unicorn!
BUSTER: There’s no such thing! You can’t have a mythical beast doing sports news!!!!!
LANCE: Hey, no one can say unicorns don’t in fact exist. Don’t be a skeptic!
BUSTER: No, I believe in unicorns, it’s….
LANCE: Take it away, Steve….

We see a unicorn in a suit, standing on its hind legs, holding a microphone. We hear country music blaring the background. Theo Epstein, wearing Red Sox boxers and a gorilla mask, is chasing Brian Cashman dressed as sheep, pelting him with water balloons.
STEVE: This is Steve, the Objective Sports Media Unicorn, with an update on the pursuit of Twins pitcher Johann Santana by both the Red Sox and the Yankees. The best way to illustrate the situation is with this vintage black and white clip of the Little Rascals.

The scene changes to a clip of The Little Rascals, with a coy and smiling Darla standing between a frowning Butch, fists clenched, and a cross-eyed, crooning Alfalfa. The voiceover is supplied by Steve.
STEVE: Okay. We have the New York Yankees, as represented by the tough, but not-so-bright Butch, the bully. We have the Red Sox, as represented by the geeky but sweet, corny, and better-mannered Alfalfa. Pitcher Johann Santana is represented here by Darla, the young siren who has lured both suitors into confrontation and competition over her charms. Butch tries to win over Darla by brute force and intimidation, kind of like Hank Steinbrenner. Alfalfa is a geek who tries to woo the fair lady by a nice song, which is kind of how the Sox front office handles things. God knows, John Henry’s a geek. Ah, but who will the coquettish Darla choose? Who indeed!

The clips ends and we see Steve again, while in the background, Omar Minaya is Krazy-Gluing a blowup doll on Billy Beane’s butt.
STEVE: Here’s the deal so far. The Yankees started out offering Kennedy, Melky, and a top prospect, for Santana. The Red Sox offered Lester, Lowrie, Crisp, and Masterson. The Yankees buckled and decided to offer Hughes instead of Kennedy. The Sox did likewise, and offered Ellsbury, but not Lester. The Yankees have now counter-attacked, offering Hughes, Melky, a top prospect, and some coupons good for a free dinner and Broadway show. The Sox then offered a new proposal: Ellbsury, Lowrie, Masterson, and 5,000 pounds of Boston Baked Beans.

Wait, there’s a new update….the Yankees will increase their offer with a free performance of Suzy Waldman dressed in a G-String, and doing an imitation of Liza Minelli, singing “New York, New York”.

Oh, now the Sox have sweetened their own offer, promising that Theo Epstein will appear at a year’s worth of Twins GM Bill Smith’s family parties, dressed in his famous gorilla suit, and be the evening’s entertainment.

Hold on…we’re getting a clarification…it seems that the Yanks are telling the Twins that they’d better accept their offer or ELSE, they’ll trot out Suzy Waldman in a G-String, singing “New York, New York” like Liza would. That makes more sense.

Hold the phone! Here comes a blockbuster offer, the likes of which no one has seen before! Get your pencils ready, because you’re going to need to take notes to catch the scope of all of this:

New York Yankees: Give up Hughes, Melky, Damon, and Igawa.
Minnesota Twins: Give up Johann Santana
Oakland A’s: Give up Dan Haren
Florida Marlins: Give up Miggy Cabrera
Baltimore O’s: Give up Erik Bedard and Kevin Millar
Milwaukee Brewers: Give up Ben Sheets
Boston Red Sox: Give up Lowrie, Lester, Crisp, and Masterson.

And they get:
Boston Red Sox: Santana, Bedard, Miggy
Milwaukee Brewers: Hughes
Baltimore O’s: Igawa and Damon
Marlins: Lowrie and Haren
Oakland A’s: Lester
Minnesota Twins: Sheets, Crisp and Melky
New York Yankees: Millar and Masterson

A representative of the Red Sox organization was quoted as saying “Hey cool!”, while a representative of the New York Yankees organization was quoted as saying “Hey, wait just a damned minute…” I don’t know about the rest of you, but this is getting confusing as Hell. This is Steve the Objective Sports Media Unicorn, saying “Back to you, Buster and Lance”.

The scene switches back to SORAD headquarters, with a confused Buster and Lance staring blankly.
BUSTER: Thank you Steve, for that utterly pointless and confusing report.
LANCE: This just in…in what Yankee insiders are describing as a “tragic miscommunication,” Hank Steinbrenner has personally recruited rocker Carlos Santana to pitch for the Yankees.
BUSTER: He must’ve been watching SORAD!
LANCE: And that wraps up another edition of SORAD’s Hottest Stove Report. Stay tuned for further developments!

You can comment on this and other "Guest Columns" by going to the message board. A thread for this and other "Guest Columns" has already been established and is waiting for your commentary.